THE TRAIN THAT WAS NOT THERE

About 10 months had passed since my depressing heartbreak when I came to the point where I felt I was ready to start dating again. In an attempt to be bodacious and convince myself I really was, I somehow ended up having a bet with Vince. The dare was for me to have at least one date in a month's time. The stake? Nothing really. We figured we could always come up of something anyway when the time comes our bet ends.

So, there we were, Vince and I, exchanging our views regarding this date bet while walking our way to Eaton Centre after work one chilly December day. We got our Christmas gift cards from work, so we decided to hit the mall and see where to spend the treat. Amidst our conversation, I began to chicken out and thought aloud, "Maybe I'm not really ready yet..." He went on to encourage me and said it was just about the right time for me to move on and he would support me with whatever decision I make, yada yada. I cannot really remember now for sure how our what started to be a casual talk turned into some sort of a very random bluff. One thing I recall is that I brought up the fact that I am one of the boys (mostly hanging out with him and Neil ) and how this may play a role in catching the attention of a suitable species of the opposite sex. Having said that, Vince got the impression that him being close to me posed as a hindrance and that he should keep his distance from me. It never occurred to me though that he would act on it so quickly and instantly, that I was caught off-guard and unexpecting. Next thing I knew, he was saying goodbye to me just so I can be by myself right at that very moment in Eaton Centre! Bodacious as I was or at least pretending to be, I said goodbye to him as well, turned my back from him, and started heading down to the subway.

It was not a quick walk from the mall's exit to the subway's northbound platform and I did not hurry either. My mind was in a bit of a blur at that time. I took small steps in a slow pace taking my time to compose myself and contemplated on what had happened. It donned on me that Vince shooed me away from him (or was it me who shooed him away?) Regardless, I was hurt and saddened when I felt that he was very much okay with keeping his distance from me and letting go of me. I was disappointed when I felt he was willing to lose our friendship and give me away to somebody else. I was hurt but then I know I should not be because 1) We are just friends; 2) I started it all. It became apparent that I was testing waters, and despite the realization, I would not give in and admit it. The bottomline is that we are friends and that I ought to keep my contingency plans within this grounds.

I got to the subway, swiped my Metropass, and waited at the DWA (Designated Waiting Area). I thought to myself, if Vince did not really mean to let me go, he would not have allowed me to have gone that far. I would also say it was a good five minutes since the time we said goodbye in the mall till I reached the DWA. It should not have taken him that long to catch after me if he really wanted to. At that time, I started patching emotional Band-Aids to myself in consolation. I felt truly sad and hurt, and I wanted to go home and just hide in my proverbial comfort zone. I wished for the train to come as soon as possible, just so I could make myself believe that Vince did run after me but he missed me because the train arrived sooner than him. A couple of minutes more, it began to get crowded and yet not a sight or sound of a train (as well as Vince). The analogy was making me more sad with every second that I had to stand in the platform and wait there.

The wait felt like forever. Lost in thought and with eyes fixed on the floor, I was surprised to feel an arm slowly slipped into mine. I looked up and saw Vince. I asked him gently, "Oh, bakit nandito ka?," to which he replied softly, "I'm sorry." You probably would have guessed the next scene. The train finally arrived. It was a perfect script for a romantic movie.

We boarded the train arm to arm. Needless to say, it was an awkward moment, which again for me felt like forever. Vince requested that I get off at Davisville and go to Sunnybrook with him where he parked the van and from there he would give me a ride home. Easy as always, I agreed. That meant another awkward bus ride which I was sure would feel like forever again.

We did not leave Sunnybrook's parking lot right away. It was very cold then and we were both freezing. We made ourselves warm inside the van with the heater turned up. It was another awkward moment which felt like forever. Vince buried his face down my neck and hugged me and muttered under his breath, "I'm sorry. I was such a jerk." I hugged him back. It did not feel awkward for me anymore and I even wished we could stay cuddled like that forever.

When we were about to leave, Vince turned the radio on in time for the Delilah Show. It was playing a song that we both heard for the first time then:

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars,
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms.
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

If you are wondering about the bet, for the record, I won it. Six days before Christmas day, I found myself a date. It may have been an unofficial date but technically it was. The rendezvous was very sweet and lovely; one that I will cherish forever. I never asked Vince for my winnings, but something tells me that I already got my prize :)

Lest I forget, I should be thankful for the train that was not there for it undoubtedly played a huge part in my love story.

I love you Vince.

FLASHBACK TO THE FUTURE INFINITY AND BEYOND

PREAMBLE

I have not been able to visit my own blog for quite awhile mainly because I did not have the luxury of time to do it. My work situation remains the same; if any, it actually has gone drastically worse with respect to workload and stress level. Every once in a while when I would get emotional outbursts that needed venting out, I would retort to http://www.xpressionlane.com/ where my diary quietly and privately resides. Talking to Leda the other day, I was reminded of this blog. Hence, here I am, writing my thoughts away and eventually will be posting the manifestation of these collected thoughts into cyberworld, for posterity's sake.

The first thing I did when I logged in (after successfully getting the password at third try) is checked my most recent post (which is not so recent after all) dated March 2009. I browsed quickly to see what the post was about. Words of note included Pennsylvania; Fools Rush In; there are signs everywhere; and Starry Starry Night. Hmmmm...

PENNSYLVANIA

I was in Penn last October 2009. I spent a week in Lebanon County. During the long drive from New York to Lebanon, I was savouring the overwhelming feeling that I was actually travelling and going to places I have only read about in books and seen in movies during my growing up years. Indeed, it was very memorable for me.

FOOLS RUSH IN

Some might not agree with me here but I believe that THERE ARE SIGNS EVERYWHERE. You just have to know which ones are for you. I was never a follower of horoscopes. I am not a fan of serendipity either. There are no accidents in this world. Everything happens for a purpose. Incidents occur for a reason.

A couple of years ago, I unintentionally threw away a pair of leather gloves that I really loved. I was so upset that time and tried to get comfort from someone whom I regarded as a special someone. I sent this person a text message and his reply was something to this effect: "Don't be upset now, baby. I'll get you two more gloves if you want." I smiled instantly at that time. Who would not? The mere thought was enough, especially that this person was very dear to me. As expected, this person never gave me any gloves. I could live without leather gloves. I could buy a dozen pairs of different colors if I want to. The pair of gloves was revealed as an epitomy when this person took off on me without the courtesy of even saying goodbye. He just vanished along with his lies and broken promises leaving me with a badly wounded heart.

Winter had come and gone and a new flame revived my heart. Two winters since I lost my gloves, this new flame of mine bought me a very pretty leather gloves. My heart was really soothed and touched with this act. I made a promise to him and myself that I will not lose these gloves. Guess what? Christmas Day and my fairly new pair of gloves is missing. We tried to go back to where I might have left them, searched the car, searched my place, searched my bestfriend's place where we spent the night, to no sucess. After a couple of days or so, when I told a friend I still have not found my gloves, her reply was, "Move on na. Gloves lang yun." Yes, she is right. Gloves nga lang yun but my sentimental side was telling me there was more to it than just the gloves. Another friend even joked about it being an omen to something relating it to the ex-gloves experience but I dismissed that thought right away; I would not even dare go there.

Hold on, do not react yet, because the gloves saga did not end there. A couple of days before New Year's Eve, my BFF Neil phoned me while I was at work. "Gusto mo ng good news? ... Nakita ko yung gloves mo ..."

And so my Facebook status that day said: Karen Mae Pagulong will have a sweet reunion with her leather gloves :) i'm taking this as a good sign ♥

STARRY, STARRY NIGHT

It was during fall when we first met. You had the initial impression that I am a very quiet shy person and you wanted to tap out of me my wacky self. Yes, I was indeed very quiet during that time because I was wrapped up in my own shell hurting. It did not take that long for you to crack my shell though. Soon enough, I was smiling and laughing and being myself again. The walks that we took together on our way home, the casual late night talks, the lunches at work ... We knew right away that we clicked. Though we tried to shove it off, in our hearts, we felt there was definitely a connection. I was very happy to find a friend and I am very thankful to find love as well.

It was not an easy road for both of us. Me - jaded by my previous heartbreak. You - bound to make another decision. Somehow, we found ourselves in a situation we both had been before.

PAST - Whatever hurdles we went through, I am thankful and glad that they are behind us now. PRESENT PERFECT - We have been patiently weathering the distance. For now, we only have sketches of what lies ahead. I am constantly looking forward to taking the trip and exploring the world together with you. FUTURE PROGRESSIVE - We will be counting all the things we can accomplish together.

We have only just begun, and hopefully our journey leads to endless starry, starry nights together.

I love you Vince.