SAHM OR WAHM... THAT IS THE QUESTION...

My maternity leave days are soon over. Gosh, where did time go?

When I started my maternity leave, I made it a point to shove the thought of returning to work down in the deepest, darkest corner of my brain with the intention of keeping it there until the final moments of my leave. I purposely did not formulate a game plan as to how I can and will reintegrate myself back into my stressful job and at the same time perform excellently in being a mom to my beloved son, as I wanted to devote the days that I am off work to taking care of my son and focusing on him and my husband by, as much as I could, not allowing any return-to-work related thoughts disrupt me. Well, time has caught up on me now, and whether I like it or not, I have to face the reality that my year off work is ending in three weeks. What a bummer!

I'm still currently off work but I'm already missing my son BIG TIME and I'm already longing for the mommy-baby times I'll lose over work! Our early mornings when I take him from his room to lay on the bed beside me after Vince leaves for work... sleeping in until noon cuddling each other... soft tickles, hearty laughter... taking our time together as I feed him homemade baby food made with love by yours truly... watching cartoons together... rocking him for the longest time because he just loves being held and rocked, and also when he's tired and ready for a nap while singing lullabies and Sunday school songs to him... reading him a book... playing with him... napping together on the bed... He has grown so much on me, it breaks my heart to think that we won't be able to do all those things anymore when I go back to work :( Oh dear!

My little boy loves to be held and rocked. Mommy doesn't mind it at all!

Come to think of it, when I go back to work, I'll do it from home, so technically, I'm not even going to be physically separated from my son. However, my time and attention will surely be divided between my work and him. It also means that cuddle times and rocking times may need to be shortened to make time for reports I need to proof. Sigh! Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Torn as I am right now, the goodness of the Lord is in my family in that financial wise, I am not obliged to earn to support our needs as a family. God has been so good and has been blessing us in tremendous ways. He has always been faithful to us in His provisions. True to that, my husband has been urging and persuading me to resign from my work since day 1 and more so now because he knows I'm having withdrawal blues from our son. I told him that this is something I'd like to give a shot before calling quits. The important thing is that I know my family is my priority, and God's grace has always been sufficient for us. I may need a superhero cape (is there such? where can I get one? ebay? amazon? etsy?) to boost me as I juggle work and motherhood but I think I'll mostly need that cape to wipe off a tear or two when I get sentimental and nostalgic over my son.

Tsk, tsk. Look at me, I'm simply contemplating on going back to work and yet I'm full of drama already. Haha! I wonder how much more when Vonn Kaleb starts schooling, goes away to college, leaves home, finds a wife?! Oh jeez. I can't go there. Not just yet.

At times, I'd rock him for an hour or so, and he'd just stay there on my lap,
very calm and peacefully listening to me sing lullabies to him.
If only I could freeze those moments and just rock him forever.